My first post on this site told of a Day of “Firsts” – it was my first day to post on the first website I’ve ever owned and operated. I felt excitement and nervousness, and was looking forward to new challenges.
But my thoughts today are on another group of “firsts” — not at all exciting, and often dreaded. This is a group of first moments, first days and the first year after a loved one passes from this world.
While the emotions surrounding these firsts are no doubt felt more intensely when an individual or family caregiver loses a family member, professional caregivers deal with this also… over and over again with the passing of each patient. The bottom line is that the first year is difficult for anyone who has lost someone they love.
I had not planned to write about grief and loss this early in my posting, but with the Thanksgiving holiday just over, and Christmas and Hanukkah fast approaching, I feel it is necessary to at least touch on the subject.
If this was your first Thanksgiving without your beloved family member or patient, allow me please to offer my heartfelt sympathy and empathy. I truly understand the myriad of emotions washing over you during this time.
For me, I gained the deepest understanding of the year of firsts, and was impacted the most, when my father passed away three years ago. I recall vividly that first weekend when I picked up the phone to call him as I normally did, and the reality hit that I would no longer be able to speak with him, hear his wonderful laughter, take in his sage advice, or see him again on this earth.
Yes, I had felt the “firsts” before as a caregiver — the first day I would no longer work for a patient as I had for so many years, or the first time their birthdays showed up on my calendar, or any number of moments I would recall a special time I had shared with that patient. For many of my patients, I still recall their birthdays, even though they’ve been gone for years.
Oh, there are so many “firsts” we walk through during that initial year; I cannot possibly list them all. For myself, during that first year after my father passed, the days that hit hardest were holidays, his birthday, Father’s Day, and any number of days I was jogged by a memory of him and would feel that tsunami wave of grief engulf me.
I will write further on this subject in a series of posts on grief and loss, as well as coping and healing.
But for today, I want to say to anyone presently walking through this journey, I understand. And I am here for you. Please leave a comment here and I will reply. And please surround yourself with friends or family who understand. Surround yourself also with the joyful, treasured memories of your loved one.
Enjoy your your holiday season, knowing that you are never alone!
Interestingly, I was thinking about the topic of “firsts” tonight. My husband died last year in early November, but this Thanksgiving actually feels harder than last year’s. Maybe I was still in shock? I am wondering how the other coming “seconds” will feel….
Shaileen, I hope you can come back to the site… there is another comment similar to yours from Kinny. She says the 2nd year is more difficult also, because the first year was sort of a fog with many decisions and changes. Makes sense to me. My dad has been gone 3 years, and I went into a funk this week again. Grief is a mysterious thing in the way it hits.
Good post Kathy.going to forward it on.
Adding to last comment. For others. I found this year being my second year after my husband passed away that I was feeling the sorrow more intensly than last year. Only thing I can think of regarding that is that perhaps that first year I may have been in a fog of so many decisions and changes that I didn’t have time to really feel the loss and deep grief. However it may come, just let it flow over you, remember the good times and cry if you need to. God understands better than we do our grief and the feelings that come..He was there also.