Personal Grieving Work
Do you allow yourself to grieve all your losses? Have you ever noticed how you feel when you are holding your feelings inside? What is supportive when you are grieving?
Grieving is defined as ‘the process of an emotional life adjustment you go through following a loss’. Acknowledging and expressing grief is an essential part of our inherent healing process. No one teaches us how to grieve; it’s a personal process with no set time frame for completion.
Loss in this earthly journey in inevitable. Even animals grieve loss.
Reflecting upon all my years in nursing and my personal experience, I have concluded we are under-grieved as a culture.
Being in ‘control’ is highly overrated
Being strong and in control is revered and only certain losses are ‘okay’ to grieve, and even those for a limited time. We need to acknowledge how we feel and allow ourselves to grieve ALL losses. Our strength can come forward through our vulnerability and self expression.
I have seen the elderly rapidly deteriorate physically and mentally from unexpressed grief.
Aging brings so many losses and calls upon our ability to adapt to change.
No matter someone’s age, some losses can feel as though our hearts are literally breaking and we can feel as though we simply cannot bear it. Many of us are given messages that hold us back from expressing our feelings.
When our grief is repressed, anxiety and depression can take hold. A sure way to hold back tears is to hold our breath or breathe shallowly. Sure, this makes everyone else feel more comfortable since they often do not know what to do for us ‘to make it better’, and we may not want them to ‘feel bad’, but really this serves no one.
Unexpressed grief clouds our thinking, obstructs our life force and can lead to a myriad of diseases.
Wail and ‘rail’ life’s losses
When we are given permission and encouraged to ‘wail and rail’ about life’s losses we think better and move through the subsequent losses life gives us with greater ease.
We learn what helps us get through what we cannot control. We gain clarity.
Throughout the extended illness and subsequent death of my husband, I allowed myself to grieve fully.
Many times I felt as though I might die as well, until I allowed myself to grieve.
I am blessed with supportive friends and family (an awesome support system I created who know that expressing my grief is healthy) and I utilize prayer and meditation, yoga, my journal and being in nature as some additional healing resources. I reach out to receive the energy work I provide to others, use essential oils, and tap into many other resources.
Sometimes a photo, a dream, a sentence in a book or a line from a movie brings me to tears. So, I just go for it. I either grab my journal and pour my heart out or I call a supportive friend.
Breathe and release
I remind myself to take deep breaths and I allow myself to be open and vulnerable when feelings surface and release them.
I have acknowledged and released anger and have tear stained the pages in my journal, my pillow and friend’s shoulders. I have also ravaged the pages of my journal with my pen and pounded my pillow to release my anger.
I have also shared with those who are comfortable with the expression of anger.
I am not afraid of my feelings. I don’t feel like I’m losing control or having a ‘breakdown’. I am having a ‘break through’. Yes, it can be messy and even upset others, but the inevitable ‘dis-ease’ I feel on all levels when I hold my feelings inside, is not an option. My own grief work over the years has brought me clarity and inner peace, and assisted in restoring my health.
What did you learn about grieving? Can you allow yourself to ‘let go, and let it flow’? Do you have a support network of people with whom you can share your feelings? What resources do you utilize to assist you in your grieving process?
Donna Harmony-Jones RN, BSN, HNB-BC, CHTP
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