Two weeks ago I wrote about my own grief and loss journey. In that post I wrote that I had been given a “revelation” that many of the emotions I had been feeling while posting about grief and loss were actually a form of intense grief and loss which had been repressed or unresolved. This is known as cumulative grief, or grief overload. This intense form of grief occurs when a person has had multiple losses over a short period of time. Due to the fact that one loss occurs right after another, the person experiences “grief overload” and does not have time to deal thoroughly with each loss separately, in order to experience healing from each individual loss. As the losses add up, the person can become overwhelmed and the person’s physical and emotional well-being may suffer, having never fully dealt with each loss.
Since my “revelation” regarding cumulative grief, I have been doing some reading and research on the subject. I’ve also learned that some of my friends and readers are walking through this type of grief as well. Let me remind you that a loss does not always refer to a death, but can be any type of loss which is significant to that person, as in the loss of one’s home, the loss of health, and so forth.
There were many writings on this type of grief, but today I will combine what I learned from two very good articles. The first article is titled “Bereavement Overload — Coping with Multiple Losses”, written by Lou LaGrand, a grief counselor. The second article is a blog post from What’sYourGrief.com titled “Cumulative Grief aka grief overload aka ‘holy crap I can’t handle all this loss’!!”, written by Litsa Williams. I will try to summarize these articles in one writing, as most of the articles I read basically discussed similar issues and similar means of coping with cumulative grief.
- Awareness that multiple losses in a short period of time may complicate the grief process is half the battle. Typically the intensity of grief will be stronger and the process of grieving will likely be prolonged. This is normal for cumulative grief.
- Each loss must eventually be grieved individually. Recognize that this process will take longer because the mourner must deal with and find healing in each loss. Be patient with yourself if you are suffering multiple losses, and also realize that each loss will be grieved differently and in its own unique way. Attempt to separate the losses; prioritize where to begin coping and start with one at a time.
- Realize that although each loss must be dealt with individually and some days will feel overwhelming, it can be done. Feeling overwhelmed is normal, so be easy on yourself. Remind yourself that you can and will get through this journey of grief.
- Now more than ever, self-care is extremely important. As you deal with each loss, remember to eat well, get plenty of rest, exercise, pray and/or meditate, surround yourself with supportive people who will understand what you are dealing with, and of course seek professional help when needed. Make every attempt to keep self-talk positive. Treat yourself as you would another who is walking through the process of grieving multiple losses.
- Multiple losses can put a strain on our faith. Recognize this as normal, but also realize that you are not being punished or singled out. Make every attempt to hold on to your faith, and often you will find that your faith strengthens you as you walk through this journey.
- Be aware of the possibility of an increased avoidance or denial in cumulative grief. This may increase the risk of alcohol or substance abuse to numb the pain. Seek professional help from your doctor or from a therapist, should you find this is occurring.
- Reach out for help when grieving multiple losses — surround yourself with supportive friends, join a support group, speak with your pastor, speak with your physician or a therapist.
Essentially, coping with and dealing with cumulative grief, or multiple losses, utilizes the same coping methods as in coping with a single loss. Just remember that each loss is handled individually; the grief is likely to be more intense; and the healing process will take longer.
For myself, the mountain seems high and wide right now. But the mountain will become smaller as I take the steps to climb slowly, one day at a time, with God holding my hand. It is not an impossible feat because I do not walk this journey alone. I thank you, my friends and readers, for your support! Please remember I am here to support you in your journey as well.
Thank you so much it helps a lot to know what I’m going through has a name after becoming disabled and having a mom dying of Alzheimer’s within the same period of time and just losing her three months ago I felt like for the first time I could not deal. I’m doing OK as long as I do what I feel I can call placed in a day one day at a time. The most important thing is that I’m allowed this time.
Julianne, I will send an email today.
I’d like to set up a time for us to talk. The consultation is a complimentary offer right now.
Kathleen (Kathy) McCormick
Hi Julieann, I sent an email to you so be sure to check your Spam box also as it might end up there.
Kathy
Hi Kathy, I found your site tonite while I am feeling devastated. My lovely husband died 3 years ago after a short fight with cancer at the age of 58, we were happily married and working in Christian ministry in our community for 32 of our 34 years married. Then 2 months later mum mum also died unexpectedly. I have tried to hold it together, but am finding it harder and harder to cope with the thoughts of gods rejection….. I know I shouldn’t, but that’s where I am at. I dont feel like I can talk about this with my friends as they are all trying so hard to care for me. My kids too, 2 boys, one 27 and one 25. Not sure how to fix myself….
Glenda, I will send you an email today.
I would like to set up a time for us to talk. This is a complimentary consultation I offer.
Kathleen (Kathy) McCormick
Hi Glenda, I sent an email to you so be sure to check your Spam box also as it might end up there.
Kathy
In a nutshell, 2009-2015: Divorced, retired from the military, started a business, favorite brother died unexpectedly, step dad died after long illness, mom died; lost house, had to give up pets, moved twice, estranged from two remaining brothers, complete financial loss. Still struggling greatly but have been able to keep my business afloat and pay off some debt. Most days I get by, some days are consumed with feelings of loss.
Lori, I will send an email in reply to your comments. Please be sure to check your spam box as it could end up there since I’m not on your contacts list. My email is: kathleensd54@gmail.com
In the last 5 years I’ve experienced one loss after another. Things like betrayal of my husband (sex addiction); after long treatment, behavior continued; subsequent divorce of 22 years, loss of my home, loss of assets; cancer illness and death of my beloved sister; loss of identity as her caregiver; death of one of my best friends, (Lenore); deaths of 2 pets; hurt feelings with my mother and brother; grown kids moved out of town; grand-kids put at risk and imperiled (so scary); granddaughter was “cutting;” discovering my beloved daughter is addicted, loss of relationship for reacting to addictive behavior while trying to protect my grandkids; learning that my sweet innocent grandson was probably molested by my ex-husband. Grandson now lives with his Dad, out of town. Now, since my out of town kids are selling the house I’m living in, I need to hugely downsize my belongings and move. I am feeling so overwhelmed and grieved that I’m nearly paralyzed. I am a Christian appealing to God, “This life is hard.”
Diana, I’m so sorry for all of the losses! I will be sending you an email in reply to your comment. Please be sure to check you spam box since I’m not on your contacts list. My email is kathleensd54@gmail.com
I am a 55 year old Male. I’ve lost my Mom on September 15, 2016 to a stroke, then my dog died from heartbreak of losing my Mom on Oct.11th. I watched her collapse right in front of me. Then my Dad died from sepsis infection on Dec. 18th losing a battle with heart failure and pneumonia – I watched over him suffering greatly, and finally, I found my 59 year old brother dead on the floor in our home from a brain hemorrhage on Feb. 23, 2107. In between all of this, I lost a close uncle as well on Dec. 9th. I cannot get these lurid images out of my head as they keep playing over and over like a broken record. I am overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions, sometimes having anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns. I feel deep sadness, guilt, anger, self-pity, numbness, but mostly loneliness as I realized there is no one left on this planet that loves me unconditionally.
Mike, I am so sorry for what you have been through and for what you’re still walking through. I will send you an email in reply to what you’ve written. My email is kathleensd54@gmail.com so please look for that and also check your spam box for my email.
im 23 . i was adopted .i always had issues with this growing up. in 2015 i gave my son up for adoption to my sister who longed for a child but is unable too. i kept to my word. Baby had a few complications with his heart which led me to be in hospital 7hours away from home i felt alone. so i had the baby did my bit but felt completely alone. i switched off . i was judged for giving him up i would have been judged for letting my sister down i was so broken i drunk i broke windows i felt uterly dead i hated myself i was sore for months after having him my body was ready for a baby ..2. months went by and my dad dies i carried him from the bedroom to the lounge unresponsive i use to carr for dad n be at his needs as im young n fit n its to much for my mum sometimes . i was so wrapped up n drinking n doing drugs to hide my mind! my shame i forgot about dad i only cared for me i felt a huge saddness in me i started messing up everywhere with family with my self i to this day still feel this way i feel so pathetic
I am writing with you privately, Izly. Thank you for reaching out and I’m so sorry what you have gone through.
My 36 year old son passed away, My sister passed one month later, my relationship of 10 years ended (he is too busy working to “deal” with my neediness! OMG– and my living son is marrying a narcissist who has convinced him to sever his relationship with me. They are 26 years old. I have a wonderful job of 37 years, loving and kind friends, lots of awesome relationships. However, loosing the most important people in my life is very sad. I see two therapists, jog everyday (new), eat well and am trying so hard. I want my life to be a blessing but it is so hard to keep a happy disposition. I feel dread in my heart and believe I have anxiety (butterflies in my stomach).
Barb, I am so sorry to hear of all the losses you are grieving. It sounds like you are practicing good self-care, plus seeing therapists who can walk you through these tough times. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
I just turned 50. Find myself an Only Child Adult Orphan. My mother was sick all of my existence, dying from cancer in 2003. Then in 2014 I lost my dad to cancer. Lost my job cuz I worked for my dad. Then lost my best friend at work, then close friend from liver failure in 2015. Moved from 2 houses, then lost my cat 2 weeks ago. My extended family has no clue about my losses and diminishes my sense of worth. I have suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD my whole life.
I’ve became extremely introverted and avoidant. I’m on medication but it basically numbs me so I don’t run around yelling.
Eve, You’ve had many losses to have to walk through and I am so sorry for that. I’m also sorry that your extended family does not appear to be giving you much emotional support during these times. I am glad you are seeing a doctor who recognizes that there are issues surrounding all of your losses. I will write to you privately at the email address you have given, so be on the lookout for an email from me. Kathy
Thank you for this article. I have had several cumulative loses (my mom, her younger brother and her mother within a year; my best friend, my brother and my dog within two years; three friends within in four months; and now a dear friend and my biological father within days – all of these since 2001, and all while I have been too young to have any of this happen). I don’t think I’ve grieved any of them properly, because I haven’t had the time nor the energy, and this helped me to realize I need to.
KG, that is so much loss to deal with in a short amount of time. I’m so sorry for all the loss! I understand not having the energy or time to deal with these losses, and I’m glad this article has helped you to realize that each loss must be grieved in order to receive healing. I will write to you at the email address you provided, so be sure to check your inbox & spam box for an email. Kathy
I have had seven family members die since 2014. The most recent was my mother who died at the end of June this year. I have found it very hard to cry. I have felt numb. It has suddenly hit me. I feel overwhelmed by everything. All the joy in my life has departed. The sadness has just engulfed me. I am just functioning. It is just too much. I feel like I have been punished. How do I get through this. I feel like I am going mad
Anna, I am so sorry for your losses! To lose 7 family members within such a short time would be overwhelming for anyone. It’s understanding that you would feel so much sadness. I do not believe that you have been punished, but I can understand why you would feel that way. I will write to you privately at the address you have provided, so be sure to check your spam box also because the email could end up there. Kathy
I have loss so many that at this time all I ask is who is next > back in 2011 I lost my little sister at the young age of 40 to Uterine Cancer, the suffering she entailed her last few weeks of her life I relieve over and over. the following year My husband lost his brother Jim unexpectedly to a blood clot that released to his heart. Last year July 15th My Mother fell while cleaning and we got call that she was being checked out , only to receive a call few minutes later saying she had stopped breathing and they were trying to revive her as we were on our way to hospital we got the call that she had infact passed away. Her death also due to a Pulmonary embolism. Six weeks later September 1st as I was at the NY state fair with my grandchildren I received call from my husband telling me to come home. I soon learned that my brother Peter was found dead at his home. during all this we have been also dealing with our other brother Frank who was just diagnoised with stage four lung cancer. going to every single appointment with Frank through all his chemo and radiation was like reliving loosing our sister again but we as a very close family stood by his side every step of the way. He fought hard but on November 1st ,23 days ago my brother Frank lost his fight. I brought him home with me the last month of his life as I did with my sister Carmella too. But Iam slowly falling apart. Cant sleep , very angry, just have no sense of faith at all. When I hear people say God, I have to admit I get very upset. How can he give so much loss to one family. I cant understand this at all. Why are we being punished , what have we done. Life is so very depressing and truthfully I can honestly say if it weren’t for my tow Son and my grandchildren I don’t know if I would be here. But I continue to put on that smile or act if I am ok, when inside I know I not. I am lost.
Georgianna, I am so sorry for your many losses. And I truly understand the feelings & emotions you have associated with all of the loss & grief. The emotions are normal to grief and loss, but your are multiplied due to several losses. I will write to you at the email address you have provided, so be on the lookout for an email from me. Kathy
In the last four months, my fiancé has lost his dog (childhood companion) of 13 years, his grandma, been on interview for a new job that he didn’t goer and that interview kept him from seeing his grandmother, increase in stress at work (he’s a cop) and his uncle having a heart attack. He bottles up his feelings and a week ago he broke down, saying he felt empty, depressed, not himself, and feels like he won’t come out of it. He opened up to me after being distant and snappy and said he’s never been able to open up to anyone before and is tired of having to hide how he’s feeling and pretend he’s okay. I want to do everything I can to help him through the grieving process and help him see it can and will get better without pushing him further into the depression and grief.
Dear Cait, I’m so sorry for all the losses and difficult times that your fiance is walking through. I’m glad he opened up to you, and that you are so supportive of him. If there is a good grief support group in your area, perhaps you both can attend meetings. I am able to help to some degree, but I usually advise a counselor and support group as well. I will write to you ate your email address and we’ll see if there are ways that I might help him walk through this.
I was going to tell my story which in itself seems large but so many of you have made me feel like it is underwhelming. So it is not so bad after all even though I have lost my entire family, 3 brothers Mom & Dad. I have my loving wife and 2 furry children.
I wish all of you good memories and let’s be happy that we had them for all the years we did.
Thank you for the posts.
Hi Dave, On this site, everyone’s story is important We each have had a loss (or more than one) and each loss brings grief in one form or another. We share a common bond here — that we have loved deeply and lost someone we love. Grief changes forms but the loss is always there. Thank you for sharing part of your story — and you are right in feeling gratitude for the good times and good memories. God bless you. And I am sorry for the losses you have experienced.
I will be 30 in May. In March of 2015 I had a bad breakup with the man I thought I would marry after 6 years of being with him and helping him raise his daughter. I wanted to get married and start adding to our family, he didn’t. November 2015 my Mother passed away unexpectedly. December 2015 I found out my ex had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was about to get engaged. I didn’t take this well I was hardly able to cope with the breakup before my Mom passed as the grief of losing her surpassed my grief over my breakup but finding out about the pregnancy and engagement only brought on more grief of my breakup that I had suppressed when my Mom passed. I lost my job in 2016 because of family issues that caused me to be away from work and in July of 2017 I had a miscarriage. It has been a long 3 years. I struggle with bouncing back and forth between all 3 losses and sometimes I just lose myself in the mix. I am hoping 2018 will be better and can only have courage knowing God is by my side at all times.
Amanda, I am so sorry for your many losses in such a short time period. That surely is a lot for one person to grieve and try to come to terms with. I will write to you at the email address you’ve given. I’d like to try to support you while you are walking through the grief and loss. I’m glad you know that God really is right by your side. God bless you!
I have had multiple losses over short period of time. My son passed away in an auto accident in 2012 followed by death of my daughters boyfriend who was living with us nine months later in 2013. Followed with the divorce which happened very quickly which was not what I wanted. I wanted to work On our marriage but my husband at the time shortly after our son passed away had an affair and subsequently married a woman two years later. This was heartbreaking for me. I had met a man and started dating not immediately after my divorce And that relationship has Also ended after 2 1/2 years. I feel that I have not properly grieved the loss of my son or my previous marriage… I feel these losses interfere with both my romantic and personal relationships. I truly want to be at peace with myself But finding that I’m having extreme difficulty even five years later. Any suggestions or help would be sincerely appreciated and helping me dealing with these multiple losses.
Patty, Yes, that certainly is a lot of loss of various types. You are correct in that each loss must be grieved in order to receive healing and be able to move on in healthy relationships. I will write to you at the email address you’ve provided. I would recommend setting up a time to talk so we can get you the help you deserve. Kathy
I lost my Daddy on 2/24/17 and 4 days later on the day of my Daddy’s service on 2/28/17 we lost my Daddy’s sister my Aunt Shirley, me and my sister that’s 3 years older were the ones that took of my Daddy as his health declined I still have not found peace with the loss of my Daddy and still can’t seem to grieve my Aunt. 2 weeks after losing my Daddy, my stepdad who had raised me since I was 13 went into the hospital he fought for a month to live, 2 weeks in icu and then we thought he was going to get better he was sent to a horrible facility pretty much to die my feelings on it he was supposed to be going to be winged off the vent. He spent right 2 weeks there and during those 2 weeks there he became sicker. Exactly a month and 6 weeks after losing my Daddy, my stepdad an amazing Dad passed away on 4/10/17. I find it hard to grieve my Daddy, hard to grieve my stepdad feeling like I’m being unfair to the other I miss them both so much I feel like an emotional mess and I’ve dealt with physical problems and even still the stress etc continues even with the losses family members fighting, feeling abandoned and not mattering… So much going on in my head can’t turn it off I’m tired all the time.
Brandi, I am so sorry to hear of the losses you are grieving right now. So much loss in such a short time frame certainly is cumulative grief & loss. I will email you at the address you’ve provided, and I would recommend that we set up an appointment to talk so that I can help to move you forward in healing. Kathy
My cat KMB was 18 and sick. He disappeared 7/23/17. On October 04, 2017 I euthanized my dog Barney. I had him 9 years and he was about 14 years old. We were as close as any human relationship. I hate to admit it but closer. Two days later my sister Renee died of Ovarian cancer. She was 61. On December 04, 2017 I euthanized my moms dog Alicia. My mother died 11/27/15. I took in Alicia and she was a constant presence. She was about 14 or 15. Yesterday June 14, 2018 my love Sasha Boo Boo died. She was 13 and morbidly obese. Bichon Frise. Just last week I felt “normal” again for the first time. It was like a depression cloud had lifted. I felt like I was back on my feet and then boom. They were all old pets and I try to see a silver lining in that they had long-good lives. Thank you for reading this.
Dear Eric, I am so sorry for all the loss you have had to walk through. Not only have you lost your mother and sister, but also have lost many beloved pets. With each loss, you deal with grief. It is good that you are trying to see the silver lining with the losses, but it is perfectly normal to feel grief over each loss. Allow yourself to walk through the grief, and make sure you are taking good care of yourself during this time. Again, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Please feel free to write to me any time.
I have had a huge number of losses in a short period of time (over the last few years.) But, I will not speak of them. On Sept 7th and 8th I sat vigil with one of my best friend’s mother as she passed. Two days later, I learn that my cousin died on Sept 6th. One day, I go to a funeral; the next to a memorial, respectively. I am returning home from these experiences.. I have a one hour layover in Chicago. I open my Facebook to the news that a good friend had been killed by a car. I break down. I can barely walk. A border patrol agent wheels me in a wheelchair to my gate. I am too weak to get on my flight. I am seen by paramedics. They say I am ok. They find another flight for me, in a couple of hours. I go to charge my phone. I check my email. I see that a friend was killed by a hit and run driver! I am inconsolable. I am home now. I just don’t what to do. I feel like there’s a ping-pong ball in my brain. Going back and forth between grief for one person, then the other. The two most recent deaths. Four deaths in less than two weeks. I have a therapist on Monday, but I am hurting so much.
I am so very sorry for all the loss you are walking through, and for the terrible hurt you are feeling. It is good that you are seeing a therapist to help you work on this grief, which is certainly cumulative grief and loss. I will try to reach you at your gmail email address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
I lost my cousin, who was my best friend, and only a year older than me, then my uncle, then my dad. within just a little over 1 year. i dont know wht to do or who to talk to. i have a support system that i know if i asked theyd do anything for me but i dont know what i need. i dont know how i feel. i am not eating right. either not eating or severely over eating to the point of nausea. i sleep “good” one night every 2 weeks. and never more than 6 hours. i am exhausted and numb. and feel so alone. i dont know how to break down teh walls i have built to protect myself but i know i need to in order to work through this. I would say i am heartbroken but i dont feel like ieven have a heart left. i am so anxious and jumpy all the time. no motivation. i mean, whats the point? i feel i need to be around people that i love that are still alive but cant get motivated to go see them. its exhausting trying to look fine and act fine when i am not. I feel as though I need like 3 straight days to sleep, and months of time off work to figure out and sort through whats in my head. but i dont have anymore time that i can take off work because of the days i had to take when my dad died. i am afraid of everything- losing more people i love, losing my dogs (they are older so i feel the clock is ticking very loud and their time is runnign out), losing my job. i am anxious heart pounding, shakey every morning i wake up, several times in the day, and even worse at night. i can’t relax at all. i need to, but i cant. im scared of this grief process. its like an endurance challenge and i am just so exhausted. i dont think i can do it. i need help but dont know where to turn. I am not good at opening up to therapists as i tried in the past for my general anxiety issues. i feel like such a heavy burden to my spouse, i want to talk through this with them but dont want to weigh them down or possibly be judged even though i dont think they would judge me. any suggestions from anyone? i need to start sorting thruough my thoughts and feelings as i feel like i am losing my mind already and am so scared its going to get worse.
can someone offer suggestions? please?
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Thank you for this article. In the past three years, I lost my father to cancer, a close friend to cardiac arrest and another friend to suicide. During this time, I also lost two of my pets to heart disease. Add to all this a partial hysterectomy, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve been plagued by deep depression and anxiety lately. I didn’t understand why I was so tired, didn’t feel like doing anything, had gained weight, and was struggling with my faith. It occurred to me today that all these losses in a short time may have something to do with how I’m feeling. I came across your article, and this confirmed it. Understanding the problem hasn’t made it magically go away but at least now it makes sense.
It’s August 2019…
-Lost my dad in December
-Lost my favorite dog who was born on my couch in January
-In April, my live-in dogsitter died in a car accident
-My house burned down in May
And I drove away the man I love. I figured it’s going to end eventually anyway so why prolong in inevitable?
I’m always on the verge of tears and I’m losing focus more and more everyday. But there is a major part of me that doesn’t feel anything.
Is this normal?
Hi this article was a good read. I finally got up the courage to go for counseling this week. I am 28 y/o grieving the loss of my baby brother who died at the age of 22 of a meth overdose in april 2017. I really struggled with it. Was on a hell bent path headed down the same road he had been on. I couldnt handle it I couldnt accept it. Then judt 1 year later in decemeber 2018 my youngest sibling,my baby sister Darcie was killed. She had been beaten to death and left for dead. Someone found her frozen body the next morning. There is some comfort in reading that there is such a thing as grief overload. I had my life straight as it had ever been, finally got my grade 12, had a job, was getting my health back lost 60 lbs, then everything just all came crashing down at once again. I thought I beat the grief but it never leaves. I’m stuck in bed all over again, my days are backwards and I eat so much that I hate myself and end up throwing up everything to make myself feel better. All through this my boyfriend is still here, supporting me and loving me as much as he possibly can. I met him after the death of my little brother. Anyway I’m always so angry. Sometimes with him, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m just a mess and have a hard time believing that I’ll ever be okay again. I need some advice please.