Today I’m going to share a bit of my journey through grief and loss. I’m sharing my personal journey for a couple of reasons. First, I believe it may help you (my friends and readers) to know you are not alone, knowing that I have experienced similar emotions and feelings as you have, or are currently, experiencing. Secondly, I am hoping this writing will be healing for myself.
I cannot recall when I mentioned to you that doing all my writing and research on grief and loss was stirring up my own past emotions regarding my journey – it would be better to say, I thought they were in the past . I may have briefly mentioned it here on the website or on my Weather Your Storm page on Facebook. In any case, I found at that time that I needed to rest from the writings on grief and loss, and to practice some good self-care. Briefly after that I resumed the writing and research on grief and loss, but I was noticing that often the posts were bothering me, probably more than they should have.
And over the past couple of weeks I found myself sinking into a deep, dark hole — crying often, not sleeping much, not wanting to eat, nor desiring to socialize.
I was depressed, not just sad, but seriously depressed – and I speak of it in the past tense although it has not completely left me. However, a little knowledge really does go a long way! And putting a name to an emotion, plus recognizing that others feel this also, was certainly enlightening for me.
Just recently, I was given a “Revelation” (from God I believe). The revelation is that all the emotions I have been feeling were actually those of grief and loss – unresolved or repressed grief, from multiple losses. I began to research this and found that what I was experiencing has a name, and is indeed an intense form of grief. It is called cumulative grief, grief overload, or bereavement overload. This occurs when a person experiences multiple losses over a short period of time. Typically, we need time, support, and a lot of self-care to walk the journey of grief after a loss. But if we do not have the needed time to heal before another loss occurs, we end up not being able to properly attend to each loss separately and experience healing. This type of grief causes a person to become overwhelmed and can become serious – in fact it is often classified in the category of complicated grief.
To summarize my journey: Within a 3-1/2 year time period I have experienced much loss and I have been (and still am) grieving those losses. What surprised me is that I thought I had been dealing with the losses and grief as each came up. As it turns out, I have only partially dealt with each loss.
Four years ago, my father became very ill – he was in and out of ERs, briefly returned home, and then spent the rest of his days in skilled nursing facilities, until his health worsened to the point of no return and he passed away 3 years ago. I think of him and miss him every day, although I would rather know he is in Heaven than still suffering here on earth.
While my father was still living, three and one-half years ago I began to lose my health; I saw doctors, specialists, an acupuncturist, had multiple tests and procedures done. To this present day we do not know what exactly I am dealing with, although I do know my health has deteriorated and I have not been able to work for approximately 18 months now.
Partially due to my illness and partially due to my patient’s family decisions, I was let go from my job as a caregiver. This was devastating to me, as I had not ever been fired from a job in my 35+ years of caregiving. The illness continues to progress and has cost me dearly, not only financially but also in having little ability to get out with friends and family. My life has completely changed from what it was prior to illness, and I grieve that loss daily.
During this time I also lost two very dear friends of mine. One was due to alcohol poisoning – he had been sober but began drinking heavily over the loss of his mother. I do not believe I have yet come to terms (acceptance) with this loss. I also lost a dear girlfriend to a sudden illness – she was the kind of friend who is always there for you no matter what and is irreplaceable.
Any true pet-lover will tell you that a pet is part of the family – I lost my 19 year old cat during this time also. I have not since adopted another pet – probably a mistake on my part.
One of the toughest losses I have been dealing with for a couple of years now is “empty nest syndrome.” I’ve been slowly losing my relationship with my daughter, and I grieve losing the relationship we have always had as the closest of friends. I recognize this a natural progression in life, and if it were the only loss in the past few years then I am certain that this would not weigh so heavily on me. But currently it just adds to the grief and loss.
My point in telling you parts of my journey is in the revelation I received — It’s all grief and loss! – Multiple losses with grief attached to each one. I need to cope and deal with each one – and I will, with God’s help.
Some of you may be experiencing similar emotions. I want you to know you are not alone. And I am always here for you! Please write to me here on the website, on the Weather Your Storm page on Facebook, or send a private message to me on Facebook or at kathleensd54@gmail.com .
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