Alternative Thoughts on Coping in Grief and Loss

I recently read an article, “On Grief, Loss and Coping”, written by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., which presented grieving and coping from a different point of view than I normally see in my research.

Ms. Tartakovsky states in her article that the “5 stages of grief” model is basically a myth.  She goes on to say that while there are common patterns of grieving, people actually experience a variety of reactions.  Based upon her own research, she states that probably the most accurate predictors of how someone will grieve are their personality and temperament before the loss.

Along with some of the common patterns of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/depression, and acceptance, she notes that individuals may experience other emotions as well —

Some individuals may experience high levels of anxiety.  These individuals may need to seek out coping methods such as meditation, deep breathing, or physical activity.

Some may experience an absence of emotions, similar to an emptiness, which might leave them wondering “What is wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I cry?” or “Didn’t I love that person?”  The answer to these questions and other similar questions is that what you are feeling is simply another emotion and a form of grief.

Some individuals may enter into a state of deep reflection on the loss – “Who am I now?”  “How has this changed me and my life?”  “Have I learned anything”  “What do I want to do with my life now?”

Another myth about grief discussed by Ms. Tartakovsky is that the grief will destroy us.  However, in her research, she found that people are, for the most part, very resilient and do bounce back after a loss more quickly than we previously thought.  I will note here that she is speaking of the emotions related to (or stage of) acute grief — a loss is forever, but acute grief is not.

With regards to coping with grief and loss, the article states that effective means of coping with grief and loss really depends upon the individual and what feels right to that person.  Some suggested coping methods are –

Giving oneself credit for the successes, but not focusing on any real or imagined failures.  Positive self-affirmations would be phrases such as “I’m thankful I had the chance to say goodbye” or “I never knew I could be so strong on my own.”

Identifying your thoughts and feelings and expressing them in some way or sharing them with another person are very helpful ways of coping in grief and loss.  Counseling can help; however some studies have shown that typically those in an extreme form of grieving (complicated grief) tend to benefit the most from counseling, whereas those experiencing “normal” bereavement do not tend to gain much from therapy.

Acceptance of where you are in the grief process, reaching out to others when you need to, and knowing that positive feelings of joy and laughter are all helpful methods of coping with grief and loss.

Again I will remind you that whatever form of grief you are experiencing is normal and unique to you.  Please do not feel that you are alone and isolated, but know that others want to help if you let them know of your needs.

I am here for you and encourage you to write to me here on the website, on the Weather Your Storm page on Facebook, or contact me privately on Facebook or at tweetymcc@yahoo.com .