Grief: The Myths and the Stages

Today we will continue the series on grief and loss.  I want to note that this series may not necessarily flow in a perfect pattern or sequence; in fact, it is likely that it won’t.  The reason for that is that I am listening to you, the readers.  I want to write posts which are appropriate to where you are in your journey of walking through and experiencing grief and loss – and I am aware that most of the readers are currently experiencing different stages of grief and loss, which makes it difficult to write in a perfect sequence.  So, when I appear to skip around a little, know that there is a purpose – and there may be days when I post for a specific reader who is having a difficult time in the journey.  Yet my hope is that all readers will benefit from the posts, whether you have already passed through a specific stage or whether you are not there yet.

Let us begin today with a discussion of some myths and facts about grief, as well as some basic models or phases of grief.  Remember that grief is a natural response to a loss, and usually the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.  As we have discussed previously, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and grief is as individual as you are.  We all may share some common symptoms or thoughts and feelings regarding our grief, but each individual walks her/his own path.  Also, recall we have discussed that there is no timetable for grieving – some may begin to feel better within months, while others may grieve for years or a lifetime.

HelpGuide.org is a very good resource for anyone walking through the grieving process.  I will list four “myths and realities” this organization has noted about grief.

Myth:  The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact:  Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run.  For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth:  It’s important to be strong in the face of loss.

Fact:  Feeling sad, frightened or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.  Crying doesn’t mean you are weak.  You don’t need to protect your family or friends by putting up a brave front.  Showing true feeling can help them and you.

Myth:  If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact:  Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one.  Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others.  They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth:  Grief should last about a year.

Fact:  There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving.  How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Most literature lists 5 stages of grief.  Today I will present the list with brief descriptions, but we will look at these more closely in an upcoming post.

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening?  Who is to blame?”
3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

It is important to note that if you are experiencing any of these stages and feelings, it is completely natural in the grief process.  However, not every individual who is grieving experiences every stage, and that is natural for that individual.  Also important to note is that in many cases, the stages do not occur within a particular order.  Instead the process of grieving can often feel more like a roller coaster with the highs and lows and the ups and downs.  For many this process is rougher in the beginning but will become less intense as time passes.  However, do not be surprised to find that an intense feeling of grief may return even years after the loss.  Holidays, birthdays, special events will often bring up an experience of intense grief.

We will discuss more on this subject in the next post.  For today, know that it is likely that what you are feeling and experiencing is the “normal” process of grieving.  Know also that you are not alone.  I would encourage you to reach out to others, or to seek professional help should any of these feelings or symptoms become so intense that they are problematic.  And if you are having thoughts of suicide, please seek professional help immediately.

Again, I will remind you that I am here for you.  I want you to write to me here on the website, or post on the Facebook page, Weather Your Storm, or you may write a private message to me on Facebook as well.  You may also write to my email address, which is  kathleensd54@gmail.com  (please identify yourself or the reason you are writing, so as not to be deleted).  Also please post a confidential Prayer Request in the form which drops down from “Contact” on the website page.

We walk a difficult journey in grieving at times, but we do not walk alone.  Take good care of yourself, and reach out to others who have also walked the journey, even though their path may be different from yours.