‘Tis the Season

The holiday season is now upon us and Christmas is about three weeks away; Hanukkah also is coming up.  And I have been feeling the need to re-visit a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

My reason for this is that I’ve been noticing friends on Facebook are sharing with more frequency various posts regarding missing a family member or friend during the holidays.  Usually these posts are photos and the wording expresses how much they miss their mother or father.  One friend wrote her own post stating that she had lost the magic of Christmas, and she felt that it left her when her parents died.

I am finding also that my own thoughts are gravitating toward how much I still miss my father during this time of year.

My very first post on this site told of a Day of “Firsts” – it was my first day to post on the first website I’ve ever owned and operated.  I felt excitement and nervousness, and was looking forward to new challenges.

But there exists another group of “firsts” — not at all exciting, and often dreaded.  This is a group of first moments, first days and the first year after a loved one passes from this world.

While the emotions surrounding these firsts are no doubt felt more intensely when an individual or family caregiver loses a family member, professional caregivers deal with this also… over and over again with the passing of each patient.  The bottom line is that the first year is difficult for anyone who has lost someone they love.

If this is your first Christmas without your beloved family member or patient, allow me please to offer my heartfelt sympathy and empathy.  I truly understand the myriad of emotions washing over you during this time.

For me, I gained the deepest understanding of the year of firsts, and was impacted the most, when my father passed away three years ago.  I recall vividly that first weekend when I picked up the phone to call him as I normally did, and the reality hit that I would no longer be able to speak with him, hear his wonderful laughter, take in his sage advice, or see him again on this earth.

Yes, I had felt the “firsts” before as a caregiver — the first day I would no longer work for a patient as I had for so many years, or the first time their birthdays showed up on my calendar, or any number of moments I would recall a special time I had shared with that patient.  For many of my patients, I still recall their birthdays, even though they’ve been gone for years.

Oh, there are so many “firsts” we walk through during that initial year; I cannot possibly list them all.  For myself, during that first year after my father passed, the days that hit hardest were holidays, his birthday, Father’s Day, and any number of days I was jogged by a memory of him and could feel that tsunami wave of grief engulf me.

I will write further on this subject in a series of posts on grief and loss, as well as coping and healing.

After I posted the original post, I received a couple of comments from readers.  They both stated that they were in their second year after the loss of their husband.  Each felt that the second year is more difficult.  One woman said she may have still been in shock that first year.  Another woman said she felt that she may have been in a fog that first year due to all the changes and decisions which had to be made, so she may not have really felt the loss and deep grief.  She recommended allowing the grief to come, remember the good times and cry if you need to because God understands our grief and the feeling that come with that even better than we do ourselves.

Today, I want to say to anyone presently walking through this journey of grief and loss, I understand.  And I am here for you.  Feel free to leave a comment here and I will reply.  And please surround yourself with friends or family who understand.  Surround yourself also with the joyful, treasured memories of your family member or patient, and perhaps continue some of the traditions established before the passing of your loved one.

Try to find the joy during this holiday season, knowing that you are never alone!