Feeling Angry!

Today I am writing in response to a reader’s question from yesterday’s post, “Your Emotional Needs.”
Her question was, “One more question comes to mind, though it’s answered pretty much here. What do you do with the anger? At the situation, the patient, or things you cannot change?”
First of all, I will refer anyone, caregiver or not, to read my post on emotional needs and self-care. Anger is simply just another emotion – one of many you may feel as a caregiver; therefore you would treat it as you would any of the emotions you may feel during this time, and be sure to practice self-care. As with any of the emotions, the key is to not allow the emotion to control you.
Recognize and acknowledge that what you feel is anger. Whether justified or not, it is how you feel. And it is quite common for a caregiver to feel some form of anger at some point; so recognize that this is a normal emotion to feel, and don’t feel guilty because that is what you are experiencing.
Try to identify the source, or root, of the anger. What are you angry about? Are you angry with the patient? Are you perhaps angry with another family member? Are you angry about the circumstances and the situation in general?
Next, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to improve the circumstances? Or, can you improve your relationship with the patient or another person with whom you are angry? If your answer is yes, then make the changes needed to improve the circumstances or relationship. You may need to speak with a trusted friend or with a professional to get ideas on ways to improve the circumstances or ways to improve your relationships.
Are the circumstances out of your realm of control to change them? Examples of this might be a patient’s health condition which is declining and progressive, or perhaps a family member or friend will not help with the caregiving responsibilities. If this is the case, you must turn your focus upon your own anger and take charge of that, because we cannot make family members, or others, do what they do not want to do. And in most cases, if an illness is progressing or terminal, there is very little we can do to change that, as long as we are providing good care and ensuring that the doctors are also providing good care.
If the situation is out of your control to change, then my suggestion is to do your best to move your angry emotions into emotions of acceptance as soon as possible. Anger left unchecked and not handled can cause you, as a caregiver, to become an unhealthy person. You must learn to let go of the anger. Again, I would suggest sharing your feelings of anger with a trusted friend, or find a support group, or talk with a pastor, counselor, or doctor. Make sure you are practicing good self-care at this time, so that the anger does not become exaggerated.
Recognize also that anger is one of the stages of grief. So, perhaps you are indeed feeling grief which is being expressed as anger. Once again, self-care is vital in this situation.
I am thinking now of how appropriate “The Serenity Prayer” is regarding the emotion of anger…
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”